Mastering the Language of Influence

When someone is in a mode where they hear only the flaws in your arg ument, when they don't want you to tell them what to do and they could be easily unconvinced again, you need to use special language. Here are some suggestions from which you could choose each time you want to persuade someone. These phrases will help prevent your ideas from being dismissed and to increase the chances you will get a good hearing.

The Language of Suggestion

• " Here 's an idea you may wish to consider."
• "Only you can decide what you don't like and what isn't bad."
• "Each time you think about this you'll know whether or not it fits."
• " It 's not up to me to tell you what to do."
• " You know what is and isn't important ."

Notice that with the above phrases, you are offering information and inviting the person to decide for themselves. It is easier for skeptical people to take in information offered this way.

I bought some new furniture for my living room and knew that I needed to repaint. I hadn't a clue what colour would go with my burg u n d y, royal blue and forest green print sofa. I asked Simone to help. "Do you see this taupe thread going through the print?" she asked, "Well the wall colour has to be taupe." Has to be? I was annoyed. I was not prepared to be told what colour I had to paint my living room. Then Sandra came over to help. "What colours do you like best in your sofa?" she asked. When I said the burgundy really attracted me, she showed me a range of burgundies to highlight that colour in the sofa and helped me figure out which one I liked best. At no time did she tell me what to do. She merely gave me information and asked what I thought.

When someone tells us something in a directive manner, we often reject what is being said, without truly considering it.

The Sanity Check

In my office we regularly do a doublecheck before sending important documents out. Whether it's a sales document, a report, a marketing piece, we do a Sanity Check. We shift into the receiving person's point of view, (Second Position) while reading the document and ask ourselves: "Is this a sane thing to have said to them?" We also ask how will this affect the relationship we have with them. (Third Position) We call this the Sanity Check

1. Create Your Main Message
2. Identify Objections
3. Find Common Experiences that Prove Your Po i n t
4. Create Your Opening Using Objections and Common Experiences

Imagine if you did a Sanity Check before you sent things out to be read, or before a presentation or sensitive discussion. Imagine asking: "If I say this, how is that going to be perceived? How does that affect our relationship?"

The Macho Test

One of the most irritating aspects of day-to-day communication is when you are trying to convince someone who takes a Macho attitude. Women are often dismayed to find that while amongst ourselves we can build on and critique each other's ideas, it is sometimes much more difficult to do this when male colleagues are involved.

And sometimes even women become Macho !

When a person is running a Macho Pattern, they operate as if they believe the following:

• They already know everything there is to know.
• They do not have any problems; they and everything connected with them are perfect.
• If there are problems, they are of someone else's making.
• They are better, higher, more important, more knowledgeable than any one else.

How many times have major decisions been made to assuage someone's ego or simply to not lose face? Just listen to radio interviews. When the interviewer asks if someone were surprised by the turn of events, rarely if ever will the person admit to being surprised. That would be saying that they did not already know everything there is to k now. Once I sold a training program with optional follow-up coaching. No one took up the coaching offer because that would have meant conceding they needed help. Now the coaching is just part of the training program.

All of us become Macho at times. Notice your reaction when one of your parents tells you what to do! To make sure that even someone who has become Macho will consider your ideas, you could use the Macho Test as an editing technique. While I have formalized the Macho Test, you may have already done something like this yourself to make sure your important messages get through.

Write the document or prepare what you are going to say using the 4 step formula for presenting ideas to skeptical people. Then look it over and ask yourself the following questions about what you have prepared.

Is it anywhere stated or implied that:

1. There is something they don't already know,
2. I am telling them what to do,
3. They have a problem and I have the solution,
4. They are not perfect in some way, and/or
5. I am better than they are in some way.

If any of the above are stated or implied, it does not pass the Macho Test!

You may wish to rephrase as follows :

1. As you probably know…(then state the thing you suspect they do not know )
2. Use the language of suggestion: You may wish to consider…
3. I understand that other organizations have had this issue and what some of them have done is…How have you s o l ved this problem? (implies they have already solved all the problems )
4. With your experience and knowledge in this area…
5. Your role is…My role is…(establishing different yet equal roles)

Next time you get the sense that if you present a 'new' idea, the person will deny it's actually new, try suggesting that it may be something they have already considered. You probably already know exactly who the Machos are in your life. I find that once I rephrase to pass the Macho Test, the people I'm addressing stop being Macho and become more willing to participate in the free flow of ideas. I published an article entitled: " Te n Tips for Surviving the Health Care S y s t e m . " The title passes the Macho Test as "tips" are only suggestions. It would not have received nearly as much attention had I entitled it: "Te n Rules for Getting Through the Health Care System."

From my years helping people solve communication problems, I have learned that most of the effort is in getting someone into a mental and emotional state of openess, where they will be able to hear what I am saying. When we are successful at getting people to listen and take us seriously, it is because we have cleared enough mental space in the other person for our words to go in.

All the Skeptics in the World When preparing for an important meeting or a speaking engagement, pretend that the people you will be addressing are skeptics. Imagine they are busy, don't want their time wasted, d o n 't want to be blamed for the ills of the planet, that they need to be given a good reason to give you some of their precious time and that any flaws in your argument will be cause to dismiss you. While this may at first seem pessimistic and unnecessarily negative, it motivates one to rigorously prepare for each and every audience.

While most women are not constantly on the stage, there are times when a little thought and preparation will go a long way to making communication e a s i e r. It really doesn't take much time to think through the 4 step process: W h a t 's my main message? What are the possible objections? What common experiences provide proof? Open with the objections and common experiences and link to the main message.

Then do a couple of Sanity Checks, add in The Language of Suggestion, pass the Macho Test and you are ready to convince professional nay sayers and perhaps even your spouse or your kids! Skeptical? The only way you'll know for sure is to try it out for yourself.

References: Rose Charvet, Shelle; (1997) Words That Change Minds: Mastering the Language of Influence., 2nd edition, Kendall/Hunt, Dubuque, Iowa,. Rose Charvet, Shelle; (1995) Understanding & Triggering Motivation. The LAB Profile., audio cassette program, Success Strategies. Rose Charvet, Shelle; (2002) Presenting Ideas to Skeptical People. One hour audio tape/CD. Richard Bolstad; Preframing: Giving Yo u r Teaching The Perfect Setting. Anchor Point, September 1996. Richard Bolstad and Margot Hamblett; Postframing: Finding The Excellence That Was There.
Anchor Point, February 1997. Shelle Rose Charvet is author of Words That Change Minds, an international bestseller and many new learning products. She consults, and trains around the world, helping people and organizations uncover the secrets of what makes people do what they do. Shelle can be reached through her website: www.successstrategies.com or via email at shelle@successstrategies.com

1 NLP is the study of how each person lives their experiences differently, both consciously and at a below-conscious level. Using NLP modelling techniques one can discover how experts do what they do, so that we can acquire those skills. See Introducing NLP by Joseph O'Connor and John Seymour. See also www.canlp.com and www. n l p  org for more information.

2 For another example of this process in use, please read the introduction of my book, Words That Change Minds.

3 For more information on these patterns of behaviour and the accompanying Language of Influence, please see my book, Words That Change Minds. Mastering the Language of Influence. because we wouldn't want to erroneously assume that anyone in our office is sane at any given moment in time. We believe in double-checking all the important stuff.